The darkness of the world

Deep in the back of my mind are the things that I have suppressed and tried to forget. The way I was before, in my old life where I did whatever felt good. The darkness of those times still haunts me to this day and I can never fully forget or wash away those memories and the consequences I have faced because of them. The feeling of regret creeps up on me sometimes and I wonder what it's going to take to keep my son from making the same mistakes and feeling the gnawing pain deep in your soul from looking back on your past and wondering how you got there.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have let the devil come into my life and bind me up and torture me with things that I thought would make me happy. I made bad choices and lied to myself and believed that it would be ok and that I was under control. The last part is true, I was under control; just not my own control. I have been led to believe a lie that you can go down a road of destruction and not get burned, that it won't happen to me and that everything is going to turn out alright. The demons of my past creep into my thoughts sometimes, in my dreams and into my daily life and they drive me crazy. They tell me that I am no better now than I was before and that I will always be the same person inside that I was back then. I fear for my son, I cry out and plead with God to help me make a difference in his life so he won't have to go through the pain and suffering that I went through to get to where I am today. Most people don't get out alive; I am an exception to the rule. It seems like a different life to me; a different person all together. God has blessed me with an amazing life, an amazing family and so much hope that I could never go back to the way I was before but sometimes I look in the rear view mirror of my mind and I see what is behind me still and it calls to me. It tells me that I am a failure and that my son will suffer just like I did but worse. I am afraid that because of my sin my family will suffer more than I did as punishment for what I have done. They say that you kids are always worse than you were as a kid; I would do anything for that not to happen to my son.
My heart beats, my mind races; I can't concentrate on anything going on around me and all I can do is think about it. Think about the worry, the pain, the suffering that I have gone through and what's worse the pain I have caused for my family. I wonder if I am strong enough, strong enough to break the cycle. Strong enough to press on and not look back. Strong enough to tear the rear view mirror off so I won't have to look behind me anymore and so the deamons can't taunt me and remind me what I used to be. It's a tough road, the straight and narrow; the road less traveled. The road of a rightous man is a tough and winding road. It's easy to get lost if you don't have the light to follow; luckily I do. Although I say luckily it's not luck that has brought me to this point in my life. It is my destiny, my purpose in this life; to suffer and fall away then return and strengthen my brothers and sisters with the knowledge of the saving grace of our God. My mother has prayed for me for many years, regardless of what I have done or been through. She always told me that I would do something great someday and I believed her. I still do believe her and I am striving to become a great man and to have a faith in God that He can use to move mountains. It's not easy by any means, especially when the devil is after you and you just feel like you have to use every ounce of energy to fight off the worry and anger and pain of this world; there's not much left over to put a smile on and tell someone of the love and hope you have in Jesus. But that's what we are called to do because God has given us the strength inside us to put that smile on because we have been blessed so much, we have so much to be thankful for no matter what is going on in our lives; we should give praise to God through all things and for all things.
I started writing this feeling down and upset, not feeling like taking on the world today. It's a hard thing to be a dad, husband, brother, friend etc. It's a lot of responsibility to take on and it never stops once it starts. I have so much riding on me that I can't fail, I can't lose and I won't lose because I have a little boy and a beautiful wife who are counting on me to be there tonight when I get off work with a smile and a hug for them and I can't let them down no matter how upset I feel or how much I want to crawl into a hole and sleep to get away from it all. Pressure is something that will either expose a fake or bring out a champion in a person; I have resolved myself to the latter. I am going to be a champion for Jesus, a champion for my family and a champion for everyone God brings into my life because I have a message to give. God has given me something to say, a message of hope, joy and newness of life. I am a new creation and when I am weak He is strong who lives in me. God will give me the strength if I will just ask for it to get past all of this and to one day stop looking back and realize that it was all part of a bigger plan to make me who I am today. It has been a tough road, painful to a degree that I wish on nobody not even my worst enemies. A road that has led me to where I am today though it isn't a road that I regret traveling because I have everything I could ever want or could have ever wanted. I pray the same for you my friends and loved ones. Just know that I understand pain, I understand hurt and I understand the lies that we tell ourselves to make us feel better about the things that we are doing in our lives that are wrong and harmful to us. These are things that I am all too familiar with personally and not only do I understand but Jesus understands. HE has seen you hurt, He felt your pain on the cross where He bore the sins of this world on His shoulders and suffered for us so that we could be saved. With this in mind I conclude. I want to be here for my friends and people who are hurting. I understand your pain, whatever it is because we all have something we are not proud of whether recent or in your past. I have mine and it creeps up on me sometimes like a truck coming down the highway with his lights off trying to run me over as I cross the street. It just so happens I have a savior who showed me the way out and I am free from it all; it can't get to me and it can't run my life anymore. They can try to get me to think about it and dwell on it but God has given me the strength to forgive myself and to fight it off because I have been forgiven for my past and it can't bring me down anymore. I pray the same for everyone out there who feels my pain. In the darkest hour in the history of the world, in the dark shadows of the darkest skies there is a shadow of a cross, a man taking his last breaths asking God for forgiveness for the people because they knew not what they were doing. In the darkness of the world God sent a savior to give us hope, joy and a new life; forgiveness and peace. This peace He gives to us because before we didn't understand or know what we were doing and He has given us a new life to start over and we have been redeemed those who believe on Jesus. God Bless you all today.